Dear Home Depot:

I need to write this down, so in a few years, when I'm feeling stupid - I can remember why I don't want to shop at these damned stores anymore.

I hate Home Depot.  Like really REALLY hate them.  About three years ago, for whatever foolish reason, I chose to purchase a dryer at Home Depot.  Feeling kinda stupid, because I know dork's nothingness about appliances, I decided to go to an 'expert.'  What a fool I was.  They don't know much, either.  At least they had access to some crappy people who could install my dryer, right?  Turns out - they couldn't.

They brought my dryer - and the dryer cord they had wouldn't reach to the outlet.  "You've got others in the truck, right?"  Yeah - turns out they didn't.  I had to return to the store.  What do I love about Home Depot?  Do-it-yourself everything.  Like customer service, for example.  I asked four employees where the infernal cords were.  Not one took me there.  I was also told three different locations.  Finally - after a half hour of wandering, I grabbed a customer service rep by the hand to show me the cords.  "Huh."  He said.  "Huh."  Looks like we don't have any.  Then, I was handed to another douche bag.  DB2 checked store inventory.  Nothing.  Then checked regional inventory.  Then called other stores.  At hour and a half, he said I'd need to go to Lowe's to get one.  I swear to God.  I asked about a refund.  I was sent to a third douchebag (another half hour of waiting) for me to get a refund, go to Lowe's, but the other cord - then go home and yes, install it myself - even though I'd paid for it.

This year - we need new floors.  For those of you who have ended up in my home - you've noticed the disgusting stain on my crappy vinyl floors in front of the dishwasher.  My layperson guess?  Leaking dishwasher onto floor has damaged floor - and needs to be replaced.  While we're at it, we'll replace cheap-ass fridge, builder-grade stove, and old microwave.  We pick models, and after a downsize to smaller fridge - pick floors.  Remember - the only reason we're doing this is to fix the nasty floor problem.

I pay to have someone come to the house and inspect my floor.  He looks, measures, etc.  I sign and measurements go to the Depot.  I get called with an estimate.  I ask if it includes repairing the stupid floor problems.  "What problems?" she asks.  I reiterate the damaged floor.  "He didn't note it.  He's supposed to do that.  "Really?"  I ask.  This floor is pretty nasty to not notice.  It feels different when I step on it.

"Well...  You could pay to have another person come and check it out." 

"Okay..."  I hesitate, but give my credit card.  She calls back after running the card, and tells me they don't do that service.  I demand a refund, but she assures me it will just go onto the charge for the floors.  THEN she tells me to get a plumber to fix the dishwasher. 

I ask, "If I'm getting a new washer, can't we just assume that it IS damaged, and work that into the estimate?"  Sure!  She works a new estimate, adds floor repair, and I go back to the store.

I walk between the floor department and appliances, and both sides agree to replace appliances BEFORE floor.  Okay...  That seems stupid, but I'm not an expert.  By now, I'm working with the flooring manager, and I go away happy, because I'm buying both appliances and flooring at the same time.  Floor is special-ordered, and appliance delivery is scheduled.

Appliance guys take dishwasher out, and lo and behold - the floor is damaged.  I call Home Depot to make them aware that the floor is damaged, and we'll have to replace it.  I go pick up floor and supplies.  I call three days later to schedule the installer.  He asks the thickness of the floor.  I dunno...  so I photo the floor, and send a pic to him.  Home Depot calls me to tell me I'll need to get a professional to repair the floor before they can install the floor.

Wait.  These are NOT professionals?  ( I know.  I'm a dumb ass.)

So - without visiting my home again, the Depot has informed me they can no longer honor my contract.  Of course BEFORE paying them thousands of dollars - might have been a better time. 

And that is why Home Depot totally sucks complete ass.

I'm off to Wal-Mart to get some REAL service.  ARGH!

Halloween Music

My Ipod list of Halloween Dance songs - perfect for any Halloween Party, kids.  Enjoy!

Addams Family Groove – MC Hammer – welcome to the late eighties, kids.  A real song.

Black Magic Woman – Carlos Santana – The seventies in its purest enjoyable sense

The Devil Went Down to Georgia – The Charlie Daniels Band – the seventies in its wretchedly cheesy enjoyable sense

Pet Sematary – The Ramones – lovely piece

The Great Pumpkin Waltz – Vince Guaraldi Trio – after a year, my five-year old still remembers where she heard this song

Witch Doctor – David Seville or David Seville and the Chipmunks – stupid, but fun

I Put a Spell on You – CCR – Not really a CCR fan, but with two songs, can’t ignore them, either.

I Put a Spell on You – Screamin’ Jay Hawkins – Overblown, but not poorly done

Bad Moon Rising – CCR – more dance-y, but worthwhile

Dead Man’s Party – Oingo Boingo – repetitive.  Be prepared to be singing it the rest of the time

Disco Inferno – The Trammps – when the seventies celebrates a burning building…

Monster Mash – “Boris” Pickett & the Crypt-kickers – completely classic.  Completely chees-fest

Haunted House – Jumpin Gene Simmons – dated, but almost has to be on the list.

Ghostbusters – Ray Parker, Jr. – this is what the eighties were about

Out of Limits – The Marketts – a part of the fifties/sixties instrumental obsession

The Purple People Eater – Sheb Wooley – silly pop music junk

Welcome to My Nightmare – Alice Cooper – great build

Twilight Zone – Neil Norman – this one’s the theme song

The Twilight Zone – Golden Earring – this one’s the eighties one-hit wonder

I Was a Teenage Werewolf – The Cramps – more of that fifties pop junk

The Fog – John Carpenter – still makes me shudder.  Not Halloween, but not far

Night on Bald Mountain – Classical (Various) – GOT to listen to this

Peer Gynt:  Suite No. 1  Op. 46 In the Hall of the Mountain King – Classical version of searching.  Delicate staccato beats.  Builds to a fevered frenzy.  You’ll recognize it/

Funeral March of a Marionette – sad, haunting searching

Sorcerer’s Apprentice – you won’t look at Mickey the same way again

Toccata and Fugue in D Minor, BWV 565:  Toccata – The classic organ beginning

Witch’s Ride from Hansel and Gretel – probably the least-known classical on the list

Die Wlakure:  Ride of the Valkyries – seeing one too many commercials when I hear this, but…

Requiem:  Dies Irae – hard, driving

Theme from Jaws – Can’t miss it

The Murder from Psycho:  A Suite for Strings – See it when you hear it

Freaks Come Out at Night – Whodini – Crap eighties loveliness

Ghost Riders in the Sky – Spiderbait – the version from the last Ghost Rider film credits.  You can’t tell me this isn’t your fave version of this song.

A Nightmare on My Street  - DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince – actually sued over this song.

Hell Raiser – Sweet – My kids sang, “HELL Raiser” over and over with the chorus on this

Hell Raiser – Def Leppard

Hell – Squirrel Nut Zippers – theme song from one of my wife’s fave shows

I Want Candy – Bow Wow Wow – get it?

Strange Magic – Electric Light Orchestra – a little out of place on the list, but still works

Monsters Lead Such Interesting Lives – Mel Torme – from Quackbusters

Thriller – Michael Jackson – The classic great song

The Phantom of the Opera – Andrew Lloyd Webber – love the looks from this song

I Wanna Be Sedated – The Ramones – YELL it out

I Wanna Live – The Ramones – Not my fave song, but works on the list

Spooky – Classics IV – Classic, sexy song

Dragula – Rob Zombie – modern angry song

The Time Warp – Rocky Horror Picture Show – try to not sing along

Love Potion No. 9 – The Searchers – Tons of versions of this song –a little light, but fun

My Beloved Monsters – Eels – Shrek song

Witchy Woman – The Eagles – more the topic than the song works

Werewolves of London – Warren Zevon – LOVE this song

Don’t Fear the Reaper – Blue Oyster Cult – MORE cowbell!

Somebody’s Watching Me – Rockwell – MJ actually sings the chorus

Halloween Theme – John Carpenter – Scares me to my soul

Addams Family Theme – Snap along

Boris the Spider – The Who – perhaps the worst Who song ever

Halloween Movies

To get started - Here's my fave scary flicks.  Start at the bottom and work back to the top.  Good luck, kids!

Halloween – classic horror film.  Nothing else comes close.

The Exorcist – right up there.  Terrifyingly simple, and disturbingly complex.

Psycho – REAL terror.  I just love the comparison of Hitchcock slicing through every other scary movie.

Alien – satisfyingly terrifying.  My mind scared me the most.

Misery – REAL crazy scary.  The first horror movie I can remember winning an acting award.  LOVED it.

28 Days Later – great update.  Terrifying realism – and dark end, too.

Friday the Thirteenth - best of the bad slasher films.  Great end, too.

Carrie – Decent flick – but the ENDING KILLS!

The Shining – Still love it.  Sorry, Mr. King.  This one works.

The Silence of the Lambs – No question.  Hopkins is amazing.

The Mist – One of the rare occasions when a film supersedes the book.  LOVED this. 

Pet Sematary – Just TRY to watch that scene without grabbing the back of your leg.  Of course you can’t.

Scream (and sequels) – reinvented the modern horror flick.

Poltergeist – Never look at clowns the same way again.  Ever.

The Birds – Great end to this film.

The Omen – Creepy kid killer.

Night of the Living Dead – I love it more as I get older.  Love when it comes to a close.

Zombieland – Amazing Bill Murray cameo, and a damned fine Woody Harrelson flick.

American Werewolf in London – great special effects.  Better story.

It – Okay.  Stop before the last section.  Christy ran all the way home after seeing a sewer.  My brother Nightmare on Elm Street – before it became a punchline, this scared people.

reads it – and loves this story.

Jaws – Still spooky.  Even as fake as it looks.

Candyman – He still makes Christy freak out.

1408 – WOW.  Thanks, Mr. King

Serpent and the Rainbow – makes me remember high school.  Loved it.

Saw – Okay.  Corny, gross.   But gets to me.

The Blair Witch Project – Still not a big fan – but I can appreciate the effort.

Really? This is a big deal?

Okay - I'm speaking from an easy chair of life, here.  I'm a man - married, secure in my job, and relatively happy.  But is this what we need to make a big deal about?  Really?  I've been 'active' in my party - if I can define that by voting, and hanging up when the union calls my house.  Frankly, I love telling those AFT folks that, yes, I am supporting a Republican candidate, and no, it's not Arlen Specter.  I like them pausing, and almost hearing the "uh-oh...  another crazy one here." through the line.

But really, Republicans?  Gay marriage?  Why do we care?

Frankly - I'm more supportive of gay marriage than most liberals are.

But what I really don't get is why - even if someone foolishly cares about this issue - and I don't want to get even started on THAT issue today - why in God's green earth is it even a discussion point?  Aren't Republicans - and frankly - our country - built around these differences?  Shouldn't we protect these individual liberties and differences?  Fight for them?  I understand why the party got this far - more voters in the older segment and extreme beliefs section of the party - but wake up, people.  This isn't a big stretch here.

I heard a comedian once make a comment.  "In high school, I was gay-friendly.  Or as they called me then, gay."  "But things have changed in our society.  It used to be - we wanted to have separation.  The crazy people fought for separation.  We wanted minorities to only marry other minorities.  No mixing allowed.  Now, we want gays to marry...  Us?"  How can we have come so far to have not gone anywhere at all?

Why blogging is pretty lame

Yup.  I said it.  I'm pretty much a novice to blogging.  Okay - I started yesterday, so pretty much might even be a great stretch, really.  But ranting?  I'm an expert.  I learned long ago how to get going and not stop - and find a way to get an audience.  Blogging, though?  Kinda pathetisad, if I do say so, myself. 

Here's the role of a blog:

I want to have an audience - but no one will ever listen to me.  OR - I want to keep a record of my thoughts, like a diary - but put it out there for everyone to read and see.  OR - and count yourself lucky if this is you - I DO have a bunch of people who want to listen to me, and I'll put it out there for open forum debate.  Much like FOX News would criticize George Bush, or CNN hounds Barack Obama.  Listen, kids.  This blog thing is fun and all - but if we're taking it seriously, that's the big problem, here. 

I read a blog yesterday about a man who patented how to get a woman in bed.  Sadly, that wasn't the degrading or insulting part.  The pathetic section was a person who responded - offended - that a man would do this.  Guess what?  If he's writing a book about his conquests or successes, either A.  It works (highly unlikely) or B.  He's such a smokin' hottie - that it wouldn't matter how much of a complete tool he is - someone's gonna sleep with him.  My wife and I still have that '5 list.'  Remember Ross's 5 ladies on Friends that he's able to pursue if they're interested?  Pathetic, sad, & fun, but listen.  Men are disgusting.  Nasty beings, frankly.  I'm uncertain how any woman could ever pursue us.  Or man, for that matter.  My guess is that if one of those men stopped by our house, I'd have to say farewell to my lovely wife.  Men?  We pursue it.  We're shallow.  Welcome to the party.  The only thing more pathetic than a man 'patenting' this womanizing thing was someone willing to argue with this nardil.  Geez.

So - enjoy these silly blogs.  They're rather sad, though.  Filling some crazy void somewhere.  Be back again tomorrow.

Still a man

Yeah, I'm a man.  I don't know anymore if that means anything crazy, positive, or just a punchline - but I'm ready to admit to it, now.  I never had any doubts about that - but was always worried if everyone else did. 

I like being a man - I enjoy the insanity of manhood - but especially enjoy the simplicity of being a man.  In fact - the other side completely confuses me.  Yes, girls.  I'm talking to you.  From the time you're...  I dunno...  Five?  Three?  Born?  I don't understand.  Oh...  I'm interested.  Fascinated.  But don't understand you. 

Now men?  They're easy.  Stop trying to make us complex, ladies.  That?  We ain't.

Want a good description of a man?  Read High Fidelity.  Guess what, though?  That's still too complex.  Want to know what men want?  Three things.  That's it.  Three.  Food, Toys, and women.  The end.  Okay, I'm a modern guy.  Food, toys, companionship.  Don't try to make us more than we are.  Do we do other things?  Sure.  Want other things?  Fine.  Guess what, though?  It all fits into those categories.

Try it out.  Video games?  2.  Beer?  1.  Movies?  1, 2, and 3.  Are we driving you crazy for something?  Substitute something else.  Is a man's heart through his stomach?  Yes.  Or two other avenues.

I can only hope my girls don't become one of these fawning, crazy, depressed ladies.  Don't build it all into one guy.  Especially one of these complete moron jerks.  Guess what?  They end up moron jerks.  Want that forever ?  Really?  Please take me back to high school so every nice kid fawning over every jerk in my school, and take them forward.  Bleah.  Jerks. 

But sadly, I'm happy to include myself amongst those men.  We take lumps.  Loads of 'em.  Punchlines, bad guys, etc.  Still love it.  Love baseball, sports, even  late nights.  Men?  Stand up.  But, hey - don't continue to be such jerks, okay?  You're making the rest of us look bad.

Yeah, I'm a man

I can remember first getting interested.  Yeah, that kinda interested.